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Naija Gist Exclusive: RCCG churchgoer and a staunch believer in God

JAZZEY Had a call from his friend in a long while. He called to say a happy xmas greetings and catch up after a long time.

He’s a RCCG church member. Wifey is also deaconess in the same church.
JAZZEY ‘s cerebral friend is a staunch believer in God like himself but really clued up about religion and its control mechanics.

JAZZEY enjoyed long conversations with his friend when he was still living in Lagos. They’d do whole days of discourses. But he’s since moved to Abuja and is connected within the politico-business circuits.

He said something interesting and worrying today:

JAZZEY: How ya country dey?

FRIEND: Which country? You mean our Ariara market?

JAZZEY: You don come again o. Which one be Ariara market again?

FRIEND: Are you a JJC or is it because you now live abroad? Look this is Ariara market. Only money collection gangs, It’s a rent economy and nobody cares except the Mafia and people like you shouting from abroad.

JAZZEY: Loooooool. But you have Mr. Integrity who is committed to ‘bringing the corrupt to book’ and also Prof. Osinbade who is a saintly and capable leader!

FRIEND: Hahaha, leave my church man o. De tin sef taya me small. De Ayatollah nor surprise me at all. Me i know wetin he do for 1984 and i tell you when una dey support am for 2015 say na wash. I hope say ya eye don clear now. Me i don prepare for 8 years becos i nor expect nothing from am.

In fact, i don plan my own local gofment to take care of myself for all his tenure. I commot Facebook sef concentrate on making money and saving am.

JAZZEY: Seriously? I didn’t think it was that bad o.

FRIEND: If i nor respect you i for say you be otondo. You remember the dollar crisis? I go tell you for nothing say dat thing made hundreds of millions of Naira for the people in this anti-corruption gofment. In fact, right to the very top of the food chain!


FRIEND: Yes ke, as dem do dat tin, persins wey dey connected dey get dollars from CBN for $250 when open market rate be near $400. One Oga Madam dey make 54 Naira on top efri transaction sef. De one wey i see be my friend we use dem connection source $1 million for an expatriate businessman wey need am bad bad. My friend with im other friends wey dey bottom of de food chain get N1, each, three of dem still make 1 million naira each on dat transaction and im don do many wey i know.

How EFCC wan take stop dat? Which kwarruption fighter wey pipo wey dey around him dey do dat go fit stop them? And de tin na legit somehow. Like say e be crime but nor be real crime. Dollar Round-Tripping n aim dem call am.

JAZZEY: Dis pipo nor dey fear dem God o. You mean say dem make money on top misery wey common pipo feel. All de people wey lose dia jobs, dey companies wey fold up and poverty wey overwhelm the people and all na because people wan chop money? Na wah o. How do these people sleep at night?

FRIEND: Ya problem be say you nor dey listen. When i tell you say Na Ariara market n aim dis kontiri be, you pretend say you nor hear. Maybe if I tell una say na Oyingbo market, ya ears go hear. Looool. U see, for Oyingbo or Ariara market, dem nor dey mark attendance if u nor come. You nor dey dat important. If you come sef, na to buy and sell using trickery and persuasion as your tortoise street smarts get juice.
No plans for the past, none for the present or future. Na to trade wetin dey sell and comot. Na where belle face policy dey run am.

JAZZEY: Na wah o. Suegbe na pako o. But come sef, but nor be ya church give us Osinbajo the VP? Abi na de Jagaban?

FRIEND: Hmm, you wan corner me dia. Yes he’s our Pastor and I believed he’s a smart man. But….

JAZZEY: But wetin???

FRIEND: My broda, I don dey look im association with the Jagaban with one kain eye, but as e be spiritual Oga, i believe say if im fit helep Fulani man achieve some of the few high points of the Jagabandits for Abuja, things go betta small.

JAZZEY: (Cuts in) You dey beat about de bush, so wetin come shele nau?

FRIEND: Bro, na di kain enemies wey I don make for inside RCCG circles n aim pain me pass. I support Osinbajo. But if una ask me, I no know wetin im dey do. Distribute cash to market women? Or to dey promise elections to Yoruba pipo outside of the democratic system? I don tell dem say dis image go affect us as a church but dem don tag me ‘rebel’.
Na why I call am Ariara market o. Efribody I know for hia just dey collect dia own flesh of Naija dey carry go. Nobody get plan. Muslims nor get. Christians nor get. And debt dey climb dey go, unemployment dey carry dey go, youth wey dey use drugs dey carry dey go………. I know pastors wey dey use drugs sef. De situation critical. I dey look for Australian or Canadian visa o as efribodi wey dey run Naija to de ground get.

Even de man for de ozza room? I hear say im get Saudi visa. If na lie you think say I tok, make una do ya research.

JAZZEY: Hmmm I see.

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