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7 Ways To Raise A Child To Trust AND Respect You

5. Set appropriate consequences

Punishment for punishment’s sake is merely punitive and not at all educational.

For example, if a tween doesn’t answer mom’s phone call and, as a result, receives a spanking or grounding; she learns that people who are bigger and stronger can arbitrarily define “right” and “wrong” for her, whether it aligns with her values or not. She also learns that she wants to either be the bigger, stronger one so that she can lord power over others or she must cow-tow to those bigger and stronger than her at all costs in order to feel safe. In other words, she’s afraid.

That same tween who, instead, has her phone taken away for a number of hours (or days) learns the privilege of having a phone is one worth keeping and thus (with a little loving guidance), how important connectedness and convenience are to her daily life. She’ll develop an intrinsic motivation (“I like to feel connected”) for being responsive to her parents without fear or defensiveness.

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